He's got me wrapped around his finger. A tiny curled-up finger that I have yet to see and touch. I'm spending more and more of my time thinking about the little boy that will soon make his appearance. And along with those thoughts come feelings of tentativeness, inadequacy, and unpreparedness.
You see, I've never done this before.
Oh I'm a parent alright. A Mommy. A weary baby whisperer. A boo-boo fixer. A tissue-wielding nose wiper. But I've never been a Momma of two. And that scares me. I take little comfort in knowing what to expect from a newborn - crying, diaper changes, moodiness (talking about myself on that last one). Granted, I've learned a lot in my two and a half years (parenting is more of an accelerated course). But looking forward as a Mother of two, I'm sailing into uncharted territory. I only know how to give attention and affection to one -- and she only knows what it's like to have Momma all. to. herself. I have settled in to life as a Mommy of one and I love it. I love her. She is so endearing, so well-mannered, so perfect {most days} that it scares me to think that I could mess everything up by bringing another baby home. Maybe that's why some parents only ever have one child. But when I look deep down inside myself, I know that I am not meant to be a Momma of one. I know that God wants more for me, more for our family. Aubrey deserves someone to share life with; to play with, to scheme with, and yes -- to fight with. It would be completely selfish of me to say I only want one child. I can't box God in like that and I can't deprive my daughter of the experience of being a big sister.
But how do you bring a helpless little human into your home who can do nothing for himself and not expect repercussions from the toddler who is still too young to understand that Mommy loves her just as much as she did two days before? I'm aware of what I need to do. Those things that books and other moms recommend to maintain feelings of inclusion and belonging. Yet that guilt sits on my heart like an elephant. It's not budging.
Mommas of two or more: Does the guilt ease over time?
Then there is the other side of the coin - will this little boy receive as much time and care from his Momma that was given to his sister when she was born? The honest answer is probably not. I see it frequently with second, third, fourth children - less pictures, more handmedowns, less parental "hovering", more freedom to eat dirt/bugs/etc... I am fearful that because I'll be incapable of showing him the same level of attention that I showed to the first that he won't turn out the same. That he won't have the care-free, laid-back attitude as that of his sister. In reality, that might all be true. But I try to reassure myself that it won't be because of me or my actions, but because he is his own person. He will undoubtedly have a very different personality, not to mention the natural distinctions between girls and boys. This is a whole new person that I've got to figure out and get to know. And I'm fully aware that what worked for the first might not work for the second. What the first liked, the second might cringe at.
So these are the thoughts that fill my mind these days {and increasing number of restless nights.} And here I am: a soon-to-be Momma of two who occasionally doubts herself and is afraid. It certainly isn't the first time and I know it won't be the last. Thankfully I can cling to the fact that it's not all resting on my shoulders. I'm far from alone. I have an amazing helpmate by my side - my hunky knight in shining armor who played a part in creating these beautiful little people. And we are blessed to live within 15 minutes of both sets of grandparents as well as our siblings and their spouses. (Who, incidentally, are all gifted in the spoiling department.)
Then of course, there is Him. The One who created me. He knows my heart better than I know it myself. He created life within me and answered my inmost desires to be called Momma. It is only through Him that I know I can rest. I can breathe in the sweet fragrance of peace and reassurance that He is by my side continually. Eternally. Whispering encouragement. Propelling me onward with His strength when I can't muster enough of my own. And I can find solace in knowing that He will not fail. He will not falter -- even when I do. It is by His power and His annointing that I am the me I was meant to be.
1 Corinthians 10:13 The Message 13No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it.
